they've given me their final offer, after all the hours of doctor's appointments and physical therapy and emotional therapy and running everywhere to collect enough paperwork to prove that my loss has a monetary equivalent.
their offer is pathetically shy of what i had suggested to be fair, and i hope that doesn't come from an "entitled Westerner" attitude--but this is likely to affect me for the rest of my life. where i come from, that means something. but here, all that matters is what i have a receipt for, and health care is so cheap, my receipts don't begin to show the severity of what happened to my leg.
my options are to accept, or to go on and take them to court. i'm sure this is what they were hoping would happen--that i'd be worn down, tired of fighting and just take it. and that's exactly where i am.
what i really wanted was for the guilty one (and his jerk of an insurance agent) to look me in the eye, understand my pain and acknowledge responsibility for making a careless, stupid mistake that hurt someone whose leg happened to be very, very important to them.
that's not gonna happen. sincere apologies aren't really part of the culture here.
while i know i have a good case, and would probably win more money by suing, and would smugly enjoy bringing the situation closer to justice, i just can't. i'm tired of being angry and i've just realized, that's energy i'm sending out to a black hole, energy that would be better spent focused on myself and healing and going forward with my life. energy that would be better converted into love--which multiplies and creates, than hate--which divides and destroys.
i give up. so tomorrow i will call the insurance sleazeballs, accept the offer, and hopefully collect soon, so i can close that door and move on, with emphasis on the word move. i can't wait to dance myself into an oblivion when it's safe to do so... to fold my body into a tiny child's pose with knees deliciously bent beneath me... to run and jump and roll and frolic without pain or fear.
and it's not all about loss. what i've gained is a deep understanding of living with pain that i never before experienced, which will translate into empathy as a teacher of movement and yoga. may i always treat pain--both mine and others--with compassion, rather than insensitivity. and while for some time, i felt incredibly disconnected from my body and even disgusted by its incapacity, i've grown into a deeper relationship with it and have a better understanding of myself; a higher respect for what it can do and not as much frustration with its limitations.
i still have a long road ahead with my healing, which will take patience and grace. but now i'm ready to turn away from the futility of seeking justice and fully embrace that journey. with my best leg forward.
