trainspotted

On the train, again. The sun leaps through the windows in warm flashes as we barrel past blurry palm trees and trashed shacks that sprout up in the corners of the rice paddies. It already feels like summer. I am thankful for the air conditioned car. My backpack presses against my shoulders where my shirt is already damp with sweat. I can feel the eyes on me, making me prickle and blush. Some days it bothers me more than others.


On the bench across from me there is a middle-aged businessman with an enormous stuffed panda bear on his lap, suffocating in a tight plastic bag. Standing near the door, waiting for the next stop, a woman is wearing what can only be described as a tight shirt. It barely covers her bum. She balances precariously on stilettos at mid-day. She is clearly in the third trimester of pregnancy. I'm embarrassed for her.

Around the car, young people sport an array of wild hair styles, jagged cuts that make their coarse black manes stick out in every direction, spiked to new heights with the help of purple-tinted gel.

I notice leopard-print pumps paired with tartan leggings, leather jackets over appliqued sweaters, outfits that would be suited to attend a party themed "What Not to Wear from the 70's, 80's, and 90's."

And despite all of those other interesting things to see... people still stare at me, allowing their eyes to roam from my head to my shoes and back, comfortably observing me for minutes at a time. Me, in my simple jeans and t-shirt, my backpack, my downcast eyes and my attempts to blend into the wall. Even when I look up and meet their gaze with my strange (?) blue eyes, they don't look away.

I plug my ears with my headphones and turn my iPod volume up, and then I squeeze my eyes shut. I've realized the same logic as a child playing hide-and-seek: if I can't see you, you can't see me.

9 months and counting...

I never thought I'd make it this far, to be honest. After the first few months, when everything was new and exciting, I never thought about how I'd signed a one-year contract. But somewhere around month three, I realized that this wasn't the place for me. I couldn't stand the pollution, the hectic, frenzied, dirty suburb where I live, the lack of good food, the way my school treats their employees, etc, etc.

So I said I'd stay six months, and then jet. But by November, I'd made friends... had opportunities to travel around Taiwan and spend my weekends in Taipei taking dance and yoga classes. I learned some Chinese words that helped me feel more comfortable and less lost. I discovered some great places to eat vegetarian food. My best friend came all the way from Chicago to visit me, and she helped me laugh again. I found a balance, accepting that there are days when I feel so happy that I've accomplished this whole "living in another country" thing; days when my students make me smile (I can't imagine leaving them) and of course--days that redefine the word "frustration." That is, of course, life--anywhere you live. It just seems that my sensitivities to those ups and downs are more extreme here. But being aware of that helps me stay balanced. I'm more forgiving of myself now. When it takes an entire day to pick up a few groceries and cook dinner for myself, I don't minimize that accomplishment by comparing it to how much I can do in one day in Ames. Or Iowa City. Or Chicago... or wherever my "home" is.

So I said I'd stay nine months, get my nine-month bonus, and then take off.

Today I've been here for nine months and one week. And I'm not ready to leave. But in just over two months, I'll have to be. I've notified my school of my last day and am checking out plane tickets for mid-May. I don't know how my life here will fit into two checked bags and a carry-on. I don't know how to remove myself from the niches I've carved here. I don't know how to say zaijian. Nine months is a long time. It's the time it takes for a new person to emerge into the world, from nothingness to birth. I know that these nine months have recreated me, too. My time here has redefined my views, adjusted my capabilities, deepened my character, refined my sense of who I am.

I hope for a graceful transition back to the U.S., but I can only hope. I know it will be bittersweet, as endings always are. I'm not going to think about that right now, and I'm not going to keep saying "I'm leaving in a few months!" like I've been saying all year.

I think I'll stay, for a few more months.

a little of Ilan County

We didn't have much time to explore, as we were at the orphanage all day, but sometimes in the afternoons we had an hour or two to take a walk around the area where the orphanage was. It was mostly rainy but not cold at all, and the air there was so fresh and clean!

a roadside temple

we have kryptonite here, too.

it's winter? really?

rice fields and palm trees

a really big house...

... with a werewolf on the front step??

we really wanted to go to the Happy Box, but we couldn't find it!

this is where we stayed, at an apartment owned by the orphanage.

our backyard!

the apartment, and our car!

view from the porch

empty firecracker boxes in a garden, Chinese New Year Day

a nice house; I guess a lot of wealthy people retire here or have a "country home" in Ilan.

ahh... the "main street" of the small town where we stayed. it was blissfully empty and quiet! so different from where i live. in the distance, up on the mountain, is the largest Taoist temple in Taiwan.

an abandoned shack full of napping dogs

walking around the lake on a warm rainy afternoon

all good mountain paths should have mushrooms for resting under.

helen and i climbed the mountain in the rain and made it to the temple. it was really busy (like churches are at Christmastime) with a lot of families coming to pray for a good Year of the Ox.

a small building on the mountain path... with outdoor bathrooms, apparently! :)

more outdoor toilets... in someone's yard. maybe an attempt at reusing and recycling? and landscaping?

hey, they make good planters!

Chinese New Year's Eve... the older kids at the orphanage celebrating with sparklers and fireworks.

eye candy ;)

pictures of little ones at The Home of God's Love: Jan.24-28, 2008

sweet little angel... i loved how when she smiled, her eyes nearly disappeared

precocious and precious, this little man had such a sense of humor!

even cuter upside-down!

they're holding hands! adorable!

i was in love with this kid's natural mohawk. and big lips. and squishy, pinchable cheeks.

he looks a little unsure in this pic, but scroll down... i got a smile out of him! (and dimples!)

she's going to be beautiful, strong, and independent. it's amazing how you can see their personalities emerging from such a young age.

he was unbelievably cute, except when he wasn't happy. he had the loudest scream i've ever heard. he got really used to being held all the time with the extra volunteers being there, and got to the point where he'd just start wailing the second he was set down. but i think being spoiled with affection won't be the worst thing that's ever happened to him, so i usually picked him up.

i liked her hair too! a little longer on the sides, like an old chinese man!

this one was remarkably laid back. and incredibly heavy! his head was so big! haha... but nothing phased him. we decided if he could talk he'd have a brooklyn accent.

a peaceful morning