dirt

I'm from Iowa. I've never in my life wondered where dirt comes from, or how I can get my hands on some. Also, it never crossed my mind that there would be a point in my life where I would have to BUY dirt, with money. Or that dirt comes with instructions.

Which is why I didn't follow said instructions.

Which is why there is a Quaker-oatmeal-can-dirt-bomb in my laundry room.

I bought a freeze-dried (?) brick of hairy-looking soil to re-pot some of plants into cute ceramic jars. I thought I could just open the package and the dirt would kind of expand, the way a vacuum-sealed bag of coffee does. So I cut it open (in my kitchen sink) and waited for the magic-soil-expansion. Nothing. I tried breaking the dirt. Nope. I even used my best veggie-slicing knife to try to dismember it. Inpenetrable.

Then I looked at the package and saw several steps of instructions (in Chinese) and two pictures. One picture showed the dirt-brick in a large plastic tub. The next picture showed water being poured over the brick. Ohh, got it! Add water! Just like those little foam bath toys that pop out of capsules!

Obviously I didn't want a kitchen sink full of dirt, so I looked around for some suitable container. All I came up with was the Quaker oatmeal tin. The dirt brick fit inside nicely, and then I covered it with water. Waited 3-5 minutes (I do know the character for "minutes!") and VOILA... there was enough dirt inside that can to re-pot a redwood! But it was ALL inside the can! I could tell there was still some un-expanded dirt in there too, so I kept adding more water and digging around with a spoon, hoping the dirt would start spilling up and out--but no, it only grew sideways. I was able to dig enough out (with my fingers) to re-pot my little plants, but there must be a few acres of potential mud left in that can. I'm thinking of sending it to Brooklyn so the city kids can start a vegetable farm, although, as an explosive, it probably wouldn't make it through customs.

For now, it sits in my laundry room, ticking away while Mr. Quaker's chubby grin gets wider and wider. I should probably go take my whites down...

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