It's Saturday night and another week has whizzed by me, like a scooter through a green light. Next weekend I will have been here 4 months already! The days and weeks are starting to tumble along so quickly that I fear losing my sense of wonder around this whole experience. And yet, there are still moments every day when it hits me... how far away I am from everything I've ever known and I'm still me. And I know I'm undergoing some kind of metamorphosis, but at the moment I'm too deeply immersed in being; in the collection of present moments that somehow form a day to attempt to recognize what I am becoming. But I'm less concerned about the future than I ever have been, and am filled with trust and peace.
I've had to let up on myself a bit, here, and I think it's probably good for me. I like to create balance in my life, and have control over that balance. I like to work hard and feel purposeful in my work, give time and energy to loving my friends and family, lead a healthy lifestyle--cooking, dancing, practicing yoga, have some time to myself for recharging my energy, etc. But here, it's taken me so long to start to find that balance. Even about a month ago, I still had a lot of trouble sleeping at night and felt too busy to devote time to cooking for myself. I was always hungry and exhausted. I was actually pretty close to throwing in the towel and coming back home to start heading down a different path. But now I'm feeling okay about everything, and about staying here for longer. I had to give myself some time to figure out how I can be me here, even in this dirty, polluted, crowded, confusing suburb.
Everything takes more energy here. I had to recognize and accept that. For some time, I couldn't understand why I felt that I was accomplishing so little from day to day. Now I see that just being was enough. Because I have to take buses and taxis and trains everywhere, everything takes longer. The communication thing is exhausting, as well. And knowing that every time I go out, I will be stared at, pointed at, giggled around, whispered about-- it's sometimes enough to make me stay in. It's really not a bad thing--I'm just different, and I guess different is really intriguing. So I never feel like anyone is malicious or ill-intending in their gawking; just curious. However, it can get old. Sometimes I fantasize that I'm walking into Target to pick up a few things, and none of the other shoppers give me a second glance. Yep, that's what I daydream about. (Enjoy your anonymity the next time you stroll into Target, okay?)
Despite the things that are still--and will always be--challenging, I feel like I'm past the "just barely getting by" phase. Take today, for instance. I woke up around 8, and reluctantly poured myself out of my comfortable bed. I made some coffee and a matcha green tea-banana-yogurt smoothie before getting ready for my morning classes. On Saturdays I have older kids, which is a nice change from the high-octane kindergartners. I can just chat with these kids, and don't have to plan a bazillion games for them. But we played "Would you rather...?" which they seemed to enjoy, discussing whether it would be better to have no arms or no legs; to eat a bar of soap or drink a bottle of shampoo; to find true love or a million dollars; to be stranded on a desert island alone or with someone you hate. I cheered inwardly when a few of my rowdiest teenage boys said they'd rather find true love than a million dollars. I also taught them the terms "sugar daddy" and "sugar mama," which they thought were great, and I truly hope they're able to use those in conversation someday.
After teaching I made a salad with romaine, tomatoes, green grapes, sprouts, and balsamic vinaigrette. I read a book for a while and then two of my Taiwanese friends came over to see where I live. We talked for a few hours and they taught me some more Chinese. Next week I'll be visiting their family in Tainan for "Moon Festival" weekend, so any and all Chinese words I know will come in handy. When they left, my friend Amber and I headed to the gym we recently joined. I did some cardio and weights, and then we sat in the sauna for a while, surrounded by older Taiwanese women who chatted softly with each other. I think most of them only joined the gym to sit in the sauna, steam room and hot tub, because the machines and weights are usually people-free, but the locker room's always packed. I would appreciate it if they felt more compelled to keep their towels on, but again--I'm in the cultural minority on that issue. On my way home I stopped for some oolong tea at a tea shop. I was able to ask if they had oolong tea, and then ask for one glass with no sugar and just a little ice, all in Mandarin. I realize that's a very small and basic feat, but one I would have balked at 4 months ago.
Back at the dorm, I sauteed some scallops with onions, garlic, ginger, carrots, and peppers, and ate it while watching TV with my floormates. Now I'm just relaxing in my room and getting ready to get in bed with a book. It feels good to be able to begin to establish routines that my life recognizable again, while still enjoying the unique and special things about living in Taiwan. I'm finding it easier to observe and appreciate each moment, without having expectations on myself to live the way I used to--with my goals and to-do lists and motivation and self-inflicted stress. And I'm pretty sure that Target will still be there when I get home.
1 comment:
elly,
of course i loved reading this :)
your reflections on even your daily life, after being able to look back at the past few months, are sweet and encouraging and very reflective of you and your personality.
the small achievements, being able to say a few phrases in mandarin, are indeed large! you're taking leaps, even if it's taking time.
i have no doubt you will be thrilled to have had this year, so i challenge you to keep looking for new things, seeking out opportunities, trying scary things, letting God surprise you.
:) thanks for sharing, as always, a pleasure....
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