up and down... and up... and down...

It amazes me how moody I feel here. I try to stay grounded, reminding myself that true peace and happiness do not come from external events, but I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster for four months now... and you all know how I feel about roller coasters. (Or, if you don't, I hate them. Once my friend tried to "cure" me of my phobia by making me ride every roller coaster at Six Flags. It didn't work... it's one of my most terrifying memories!)

Here, when I have a bad day, I feel like I'm in total despair and I want to throw in the towel, pack up my bags and catch the next red-eye home. And when I have a good day, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and could sing and dance through the streets of Jhongli spreading good cheer (and naturally, avoiding death by scooter).

Today is a good day. I woke up early and went to the gym with my friend/floormate, Amber. I had a great workout and finished up by relaxing in the sauna before showering. I got a few pieces of sushi to go (in honor of Emily, who has just arrived in Japan!) and hopped on the bus to my school. My little kindy-kids were adorable and, while the young classes are exhausting, they also say/do the cutest things and keep me laughing. Then, during my break, I did a little shopping and had a delicious sandwich from my favorite bakery called "Crossroads." They employ women who've escaped abusive situations and people with developmental disabilities--it's awesome. After my evening class I came home and had a lovely late dinner/snack--grilled asparagus, sliced tomato, brie (WOW! found at a ritzy grocery store--cheese is so rare here) and crackers, a plum, cucumber, and a few pieces of dark chocolate. AND I came home to a package from my wonderful friends--Adrienne and her mom, Sue, who was my first yoga student! She sent me Big Sky Granola--my FAVORITE, exclusively from Iowa, some soap and lotion, and Iowan lilac perfume. Ahhhh. See? I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Last weekend, however, I was not. I went to Tainan for Moon Festival, and it was typhooning all weekend (that's probably not a verb). We were still able to barbecue on Saturday, with the grill just far enough under the garage roof to avoid being rained on. Sunday was the longest day of my life. I'm exaggerating of course, but it was pouring and all day we ate cheesecake and moon cakes (which feature little hidden surprises--like being filled with sugary congealed red beans, or preserved duck egg yolks, and in the worst case scenarios, dried pork fibers) and watched old family videos, of weddings and stuff. And lots of footage of drunk people singing karaoke in Taiwanese. I was restless and feeling culturally frustrated. I don't know how better to explain--but sometimes when I'm with them, I get the sense that I'm an object to be paraded around; shown off. I'm not sure they like me because I'm Elly--or just because I'm different. I feel that I'm being scrutinized and picked apart; a social experiment--not maliciously, but discomforting nonetheless. Also--there are frequent references to me being a "rich American." Not cool. Or true.

I rode the bus home Sunday night. The 3 1/2 hour trip took 6 hours because of the heavy rain and wind. I felt spent, and very alone. And very full of mysterious moon cakes.

So it goes, back and forth. There will be more lows after today's high, but I recover from every meltdown with new strength, having learned something of value about myself or Taiwan; something I can add to my ever-growing file of experiences. In Chinese, "hao" means "good" and "bu hao" means "bad." They say "hao bu hao?" to ask about whether something is good or not--if it's okay or not okay. Every day, there are things I file under hao and things that are definitely BU HAO, but such is life. And I'm thankful for it all.